Hey babe,so glad you are here, If you are new here I want to Welcome you with open arms and if you\\\’ve known me for a while then I owe you a huge thank you for the support!Man! Ive been so far out of the loop due to lack of motivation and probably some mental health issues. I believe Ive talked a little bit about my family, my dad being a pastor and my two sis’s are disabled. I’ve taken on a lot of that responsibility of caring for them for the last 15 years of my life. The truth is, my mom became an addict when I was 10 years old. My dad was abusive and I left home out of needing to protect myself because my mom was no longer in the right head space to be my protector. My sis’s were abandoned by my parents, left to figure out life with both physical and mental limitations. I’ve always been very empathetic. I care deeply about all living creatures, and the environment and in my desire to stay connected to my siblings was what fueled me to care for them financially and physically…. They had developed a sense of entitlement in some ways because most things were done for them their whole life and they were told they were incapable of caring for themselves… which maybe they have limitations but their issue isn’t that they can’t, they just don’t believe in themselves because of the lies they were fed or heard said about their abilities… I always tried to guide them but coming from someone who has to play the role of a parent while still being their sis definitely had some challenges…Ive never been the one to put my needs first. When I was growing up I faced my own health issues that I still chronically live with today.. I have epilepsy, migraines, and an auto immune disease and Ive been dealing with this since I was 2, with little to no answers of why. Basically through my life my sis’s were very sick, Like in and out of the hospital for weeks on end. All of my medical concerns were brushed off most of the time and honestly I understood why to an extent, even at such an early age. The downfall to this caused me to chronically put my needs aside and honestly feel shame about complaining about my illness to the point that I wouldn’t mention It to my loved ones or admit how bad it was continuing to affect me in adulthood.I dropped out of high school, without a GED and still managed to have some really cool opportunities for work. The salon management and development projects , to running a high stake poker game that happened to be one of the best in my local area for 4 years… all of these things were built from having a strong work ethic and eagerness to expand my knowledge and skills so I CAN be a provider. I want to be clear about something, I’m not mentioning these things to get any sort of sympathy. I just want to explain why I haven’t been consistent… For the last 20 years ive been in survival mode.. I got into this industry because I felt it was the only thing I could do to support me, my sis’s and the family I brought in to this world.. Ive always been sexual, wanting to explore those sides of me. I’m a switch but I’ve always leaned more towards the submissive side with partners. I think I like the sense of not having to control or be in control for a bit… my life has been filled with really hard decisions that werent supposed to be mine to make and I’m really dominant in any type of workspace so sometimes it’s nice to just exist and be controlled. This may be weird but Im proud to say this past year Im really made myself to take a step back from taking on the responsibility of my sis’s and others that arent mine to take on. I put myself in some really sticky situations financially over the years due to not respecting my limits with people and Ive had to learn to listen to my needs because the stress from it all was significantly affecting my health, wealth and all the rest… Ive been putting in so much work to become the version of myself that I need, not what everyone else’s thinks they need from me or what I think others need from me. Ive learned to love myself again in ways that I never felt worthy of. I never knew exactly what my life would look like at 30… when I tried to envision it I couldn\\\’t put anything together and have a very vivid imagination so that was always hard for me to understand why I couldn’t see it… I definitely didnt think 30 would be the year that I start to figure things out for myself… I just thought that one day Id make enough money and all the stress would go away for me and everyone I cared about… but here I am… I have structured goals with plans on how to get there and whats cool is you guys will be the reason I do get there… Ive felt nothin but love and support since returning to the site and I cant thank you enough for that… Ive missed this in some funny way.. I promise my blogs wont always be like this… sometimes its nice to just get it out.
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